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VINEGAR'S VAnDEVniE 




AGENCY 




BY 

SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 




PRICE 25 GENTS 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

Franklin, Ohio Denver, Colo. 



TWO PLAYS FOR BOYS 

By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS. 



Mr. Tibbals has been unusually successful in fur- 
nishing boys' plays that introduce characters true to 
life. While the plays are strong and forceful in the 
lessons they teach, clean comedy predominates and 
the boys like them. 




''The Millionaire Janitor 



ff 



A corned}^ in two acts. Here is a rollicking play 
for eight or more boys with plenty of action. Just 
the thing for a Boys' Class or Junior Y. M. C. A. 
Easily staged and costumed. -Opportunity for intro- 
duction of musical numbers and recitations. By in- 
troducing such feature^s the play may be used for 
an -entire evening's entertainment. 

Priee 25 Cents 



«< 



Up Caesar's Creek** 



A splendid play for any numbei^ of boys. The 
characters are real boys and the play deals with their 
experiences while camping up Caesar's Creek the per- 
formance closing with a minstrel show in camp. Cos- 
tumes and scenery are not elaborate and the play may 
be pro'duced on any stage. 

Price 25 C^its 

These cornedies are protected by copyright, but 
permission for amateur production is granted with 
the purchase of the book. 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

Franklin* Obio 



Vinegar's Vaudeville 
Agency 



By 

SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 



Copyright, 1919, Eldridge Entertainment House 



Published by- 



ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 



FRANKUN, OHIO .ni-JL DENVER, COLO. i» 



©G1.0 5!)419 
OEC 22 i3l9 






«P .^ 



Foreword. 

Vaudeville is becoming ever more popular as a form 
of amusement and audiences want their laughs faster 
and louder than ever before. The old-fashioned enter- 
taiment, made up of a program of songs and recitations, 
is no longer a success. People now expect to sit back 
comfortably in their seats and have comedy handed to 
them of a kind that requires neither deep thought nor 
ponderous reflection. 

In submitting for your approval this ketch entitled, 
"Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency," the author puts forth no 
claim of merit. He has simply desired to present you 
with a setting in which to introduce a few good individ- 
dal numbers on a miscellaneous program. How elabor- 
ate the entertainment will be shall depend upon the tal- 
ent available and the cleverness of the director. The 
sketch is planned upon simple lines to suit the average 
school room, but it will be found to be elastic and may 
be easily elaborated into a more pretentious review if 
desired. Amateur vaudeville talent cannot be expected 
to measure up to the professional standard, but in every 
community there are to be found young men and young 
women with the talent to entertain. By using this 
sketch to introduce these amateur actors you will give 
the home folks a pleasant diversion from the ordinary 
speaking and singing program. The numbers suggested 
are not binding. Use your talent to the best advantage 
If a piano number is available have the piano on the 
stage. If you have a juggler or a magician in your town 
introduce him. The dialog is so written that it can be 
cut off or added to at any point to introduce the talent 
you have at hand. The sketch may be cut to half-an- 
hour and used as the after-piece for a minstrel show or 
it may be lengthened to fill an entire evening. In the 
back of the book will be found a number of suggested 
features that can be easily introduced. The sketch may 
close with a big chorus or an individual number. Like 
all amateur entertainments the success of "Vinegar's 
Vaudeville Agency" will depend upon the originality and 
cleverness of the director. 



-M 



CHARACTERS. 

Valentine Vinegar, proprietor of the agency. 
Viola Vinegar, his daughter. 
Eph, the colored janitor. 



The Talent. 

Rube Amateur, must have a good singing voice. 

A Child, either boy or girl, who can recite. 

Quartette, either male or female or mixed. 

Lucy Green, a young lady with ability as a reader. 

GoNA Sing, a talented soprano. 

Jonathan Trott ^ two young men who can play a 
Dusty Roades \ duett on any instruments. 

Williams and Walker, a boy and girl to impersonate 
vaudeville team. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency. 



Scene: Office of the Vinegar Vaudeville Agency. A 
plain inteiirior setting with center door. A flat top desk 
R. with chair for Vinegar. Waste basket full of paper 
near desk. Typewriter desk with chair L. for Viola. 
Four chairs, ttvo each side of door against rear wall. 
Show hills and posters are tacked up on flat. At rise of 
curtain Eph is discovered dusting the furniture. 

Eph — (throws duster on Valentine's desk) This is 
a fine job I've had wished on me. I wonder what time de 
folks dat own dis yere factory comes down to work? I 
got yere at six bells and now it's past nine and nobody; 
ain't showed up yet. How kin folks make a livin' what 
don't get down to business 'til after nine o'clock. (Sits 
in chair and puts his feet on desk.) Well, if they don'fj 
care nothin' about their business I reckon I should 
worry. (Leans head ba^k.) Golly. I sure wuz anxious 
to make a good start when I got here three hours ahead 
of everybody else. Reckon I might as well git back some 
of that sleep I lost. (Falls asleep and begins to snore.) 

(Enter Viola Valentine, CD. She is dressed very 
theatrically with big hat and loud coat.) 

- Viola — (goes to her desk after removing hat and 
coat. Does not see Eph but hears the snoring) How 
sweetly the troubadour touched his guitar. 

(Eph emits a long, loud snore and Viola turns 
and sees him.) 

Viola — That's no guitar. Sounds more like a sax- 
ophone. I wonder where he came from? (Crosses to 
table and tickles Eph's face with the duster.) 

(Eph waves duster away and talks in his sleep.) 



e Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Eph — Clotilda, you keep your finger out of my eye. 
(Snores again.) 

Viola — It must be the new janitor father told me 
about. Handsome individual. (Tickles Eph's face again 
with the duster.) 

Eph — (waving duster away) Quit dat! I done told 
you once. Leave me alone, Clotilda. (Nods.) 

Viola — (shaking him) Here, wake up. Who are 
you? 

Eph — (rubbing his eyes) Who? Me? 

Viola — Yes, you. What you doing around, here? 

Eph: — Sleepin'. 

Viola — What's your name? 

Eph—Whol Me? 

Viola — ^Yes, you. What's your name? 

Eph — Ephriam Jones. But most folks just call me 
Eph. 

Viola — Well, Eph, I suppose you are the new jani- 
tor. 

Eph — Something like that. (Gets up and stretches) 
Are you the typewriter? 

Viola — No, the typewriter is on the desk over there. 

Eph — I knows you now. You're Miss Smarty. 

Viola — I am Miss Vinegar. My father is the owner 
of the Vinegar agency. 

Eph — (bows) Oh, yes. You're the boss's daughter. 
Begs your pardon. Miss. What kin I do for you? 

Viola — Father hired you to act as janitor and office 
boy, didn't he? 

Eph — Was that your father what hired me? 
Viola — ^Yes. 

Eph — Lady, you have my extremist humiliation. 
Viola — ^What do you mean by that? 
Eph — I sure am sorry for you. It must be terrible 
for a daughter to have such a father. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 7 

Viola — (sternly) Do you mean to insult me? 

Eph — Call it what you please, lady. I'm only tell- 
ing the truth. 

Viola — We never speak the truth in this office. What 
wages did father promise you? 

Eph — I am to start in at eleven dollars a week. 

Viola — I see. You are to have a raise later. 

Eph — Yes. After I've learned the business around 
here, I am to git nine dollars a week. 

Viola — Do you think you'll ever learn the business? 
Eph — Sure. I'm right at home here. 
Viola — What sort of a place do you think this is? 
Eph — A nut factory. 
Viola — This is a vaudeville agency. 
Eph — Same thing. 
Viola — We try out new talent here. 
Eph — Then turn 'em loose on the suffering public. 
Viola — Acting is a noble art. 

Eph — Maybe, lady, maybe. I've never seen much of 
it. 

Viola — Don't you go to shows? 

Eph — Sure. But I ain't nebber seen much acting. 
Valentine — (outside) All right, all right. Come 
around next Saturday. 

Viola — Here comes father. Get busy. (She goes to 
desk and begins writing on typewriter.^ Eph starts dust- 
ing.) 

(Enter Valentine. He should have an eccentric 
Jew make-up. Wears long coat with flashy vest and 
plug hat. Light trousers and spats. Very theatrical.) 
Val. — Good morning, daughter. (Goes to desk and 
picks up mail.) Vy don't you get the mail answered? 
(To Eph.) Here, take my hat. (Hands hat to Eph.) 
Eph— Where will I take it? 
Val. — Hang it up. 



'^ 



8 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Epk — Hang it up where? 

Vol. — Goodness. If I got to show you everything, I 
might as well do it myself. Vat you here for? 

Eph—Who'i Me? 

Val. — Yes, you. Say, git oudt of here. (Eph starts 
off.) Come back. Put the hat on the desk. 

(Eph puts hat on the desk amd gets his foot in 
the waste basket. Skips around stage upsetting the 
basket.) 

Val. — My gracious! Vat are you, a jumping rabbit? 

Eph^Whol Me? 

Val. — Cut it oudt. Pick up those papers and take 
the basket oudt by the elevator and empty it into the bin. 

(Eph is busy for several seconds picking up the 
waste paper.) 

Val. — (Sits at desk and begins opening mail.) No 
vonder I am oxcited. I met Abe at the court house this 
morning. 

Viola— Well, why not? 

Val — He told me he had been paying his war tax. 

Viola — What did he mean by his war tax? 

Val — Said he just took out a license to get married. 
I was so surprised you could have knocked me down with 
a brick — so surprised I was. 

Viola — Well, what you expect from such a loafer 
like Abe? 

(Eph exits ivith waste basket C D.) 

Val. — Vat you think of the new office boy? 
Viola — It isn't necessary. 
Val. — He'll make me a good servant. 
Viola — By the time he is the age of old black Joe. 
Val. — Veil, what you goin' to do? Good help is hard 
to get. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 9 

(Enter Rube Amateur with music roll. Rube 
should he a good singer and made up eccentric. He 
gawks about the stage and Valentine and Viola pay 
no attention to him. Viola busy writing on type- 
writer. Val reading mail. After pause of several 
seconds Eph enters with empty waste basket.) 

Ephr—For de land of goodness! When did dat blow 
in? (Eph walks about Rube holding waste basket 
aloft as if to catch him like a butterfly in a net. Ev- 
ery time Eph steps forward Rube steps backward 
until he falls across VaVs desk, just as Eph makes 
a swipe with the^ basket.) I almost got 'im. 
Val. — Get oudt! Vat you dink dis is? 
Rube — (rising) Beg pardon. Please send that 
crazy man away. 

Eph^W\vo1 Me? 

Rube — Yes, you. I want to see Mr. Valentine Vin- 
egar. 

Eph — Dar he is. Take off your hat. (Takes Rube's 
hat from his head and hands it to him.) 
Val — Vat do you want? 
Ruhe — I want to sing. 
Eph — Well, why don't you? 
Viola — Do you like to sing? 

Rube — Of course I do and ma says I have a splendid 
ear for music. 

Val. — Then you should learn to sing with your ear. 

Rube — I want you to know sir, that I have a trained 
voice. 

Eph — That's nothing. I have a trained flea. (He 
scratches his back.) 

Val — Get oudt! (Throtvs book at Eph, who exits 
hurriedly c. D.^ Veil, I vill listen to the young man. May- 
be he sings better than he looks. Viola shut up the type- 
writer and listen. 

Viola — (puts cover over machine.) What are you 
going to sing? 



10 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

(Rube announces his song, which may be any 
selection that he chooses. During the song Valen- 
tine and Viola should give quiet attention. In fact 
during all the specialties there should be no horse 
play or comedy to distract the audience unless su^h 
is written in the dialog. When straight features are 
being introduced there should be no interruptions. 
The success of the entertainment depends upon the 
variety of specialties introduced and each individuxd 
must have a square deal. If Rube's song wins an en- 
core, let him take it before dialog is resumed.) 

Eph{ sticks his head in the door) Wuz anybody 
hurtin' dat fellow? 

Viola — Oh, Eph. How did you like that song? 

Eph — (coming down) Glad to say I didn't hear it. 

Viola — You missed something, Eph. That lad can 
sing. 

Val. — (rises and shakes hands with Rube.) You 
are all right, young fellow. You can sing. 

Rube — Do you think I could keep the wolf from the 
door by singing? 

Eph — You certainly could, if the wolf had any kind 
of an ear for music. 

Val. — Go down to (local tailor) and get a dress suit. 
Come back in a week and I'll give you an engagement in 
the big time. 

Rube — How much do I get? 

Val. — Veil, you vill get all that is left after I take 
oudt my commission. 

Viola — But — ^father. 

Val. — Enough. A great artist can't be trusted with 
money. Run along my boy and come back a week from 
today. It is all arranged. 

Rube — But I want a contract. 

Val. — Oh, a contract in this business is noddings. 
My vord is less reliable than a contract. Viola, draw up 
a contract for this gentleman and have it ready von veek 
from today. I congratulate you, young man. Good day. 
(Goes to desk and sits.) 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 11 

Eph — (takes Rube by arm and leads him off c. D.) 
You're lucky he didn't ask you to put up a hundred dol- 
lars. (Pushes Rube out c. D.) 

Val. — The young man will do well in vaudeville. 

Viola — I should think he might succeed on the con- 
cert stage. 

Eph — He would be fine makin' records for de funny 
graph. 

(At this point a child elocutionist may be intro- 
duced. If the little tot has a character recitation, 
let it be done in costume. The child peeps shyly in 
at the door.) 

Eph — We don't want to buy nothin'. Go 'way. 
Child — I don't want to sell sumpfin. I want to 
speak my piece. (Comes in.) 

Val. — We have no use for children in our business. 

Viola — Oh, yes we have. Everybody loves a child, 
and a bright child can always hold an audience. (Goes 
to the child.) Of course we want to hear you speak your 
piece. Try it on those folks out there and if you please 
them I'll give you a nickle. 

Val. — Such a vaste of money, Viola, you should not 
do it. 

(Child recites any selected recitation.) 

(Eph at conclusion of recitation picks up the 
child and puts it on his shoulder. Viola gives the 
child a nickle.) 

Val. — Not so bad. Come back in ten years and ve 
vill talk business. Take the youngster down stairs, Eph, 
and start it home. 

(Eph exits loith child on his shoulder who 
throws kiss to audience as they pass out.) 

Viola — Father here is this letter from that Chau- 
tauqua manager who wants a quartette quick. 
Val. — Veil, send him one. 
Viola — I haven't any quartette. 



12 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Val. — Tell Eph to go out and get one. 

Viola — All right. But what kind? A male quar- 
tette, a female quartette, or a mixed quartette. 

Val. — How should I know? 

Viola — Well, how should I know? 

Val. — Look at the letter. My goodness, girl, look at 
the letter. Vat does the manager order ? 

Viola — (looking at le^tter) He doesn't say. 

Val. — Veil, then, send him a quartette. 
(Enter Eph.) 

Viola — Eph, go out quick and get us a quartette. We 
have an engagement for one. 

Eph — I just saw a nice, ripe quartette hanging in 
Eckstein's window across the street. (Goes to door,) 
Here they come now. 

(Enter quartette. This may be either a male, 
female or mixed quartette. If a male quartette, they 
may be made up eccentric or in full dress. If a 
mixed or lady quartette, they had better dress neat,) 

Val. — (rushes up and shakes hands) Glad to see 
you. Do you want an engagement? What do you do? 
No. 1 — We're acrobats. 
Val. — No use for acrobats. Too many now. 
No. 2 — ^We can do a singing act. 
Val. — That's better. Let's hear you sing. 

(If a male quartette much fun TYiay be intro- 
duced in getting started. The director should work 
up the feature. Quartette introduces any selejption 
they desire.) 

Val. — (after encore has been taken) Ve vill give 
you a contract to sing at (nearby town) Chautauqua. 
No. 1 — Thank you. 

Val. — Never mind. Go pack your suitcases and 
hurry. 

(Exit quartette.) 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 13 

(Eph stands looking after them at the door.) 

Vol. — Veil, vat you starin' at? 

Eph — Is it as easy as that? 

Viola — As easy as what? 

Eph — As easy as that to get on the stage? 

Viola — They're Aot going on the stage. They are 
going on the Chautauqua platform. 

Eph — How much will they get? 

Vol. — Oh, a hundred dollars a day — maybe. 

Eph — Goodbye, (starts off.) 

FaZ.^Vere you goin'? 

Eph — Goin' out to get more talent. There's a girl 
in the office next door that can recite something grand. 
Wait till I bring her in. (Exit.) 

Viola — He's got the fever. A regular scout for tal- 
ent. 

Val. — I'll bet he brings in a lemon. 

Viola — You never can tell, father In this business 
we find real artists where we least expect them. 

Val. — That's 'cause we are never expecting to find 
real artists. 

Viola — It's a funny business. 

Val. — It's enough to drive a man crazy. 

(Enter Eph.) 
Eph — She's comin' right away. 
Viola — Who is coming? 

Eph — Miss Lucy Green. She's the best you ever had 
rn this place. She can recite — that girl kin. She re- 
cited a piece for us at the boiler-makers' muskrat sup- 
per and would you believe it, she done made everybody 
cry. 

(Lucy Green may do her recitation straight or 
in character. If she recites a dramatic or pathetic 
number she should dress neatly as an office girl. If 
she elects to do a comic recitation she may dress ac- 
cordingly.) 



■-^^mi 



tJ^ Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

(Enteir Lucy.) 

Lucy — Eph says you want to hear me recite. 

Val. — Eph may be right and again he may be 
wrong. It's his idea, not ours. 

Viola — You have recited before? 

Lucy — Oh, yes. But I don't think I'm very good. 

Val. — ^Vat? Who ever heard an amateur elocution- 
ist that wasn't sure she was the best ever? 

Lucy — ^You are going to hear one now if you care to. 

Val. — (rising) My dear young lady, in a long suf- 
fering experience I have never seen any one so modest. 
Sure, I want to hear you. I want to hear how bad you 
are. 

Lucy — I'll do my best, but I haven't any idea that I 
am a Sarah Barnhart. I'll recite for you (announces her 
subject and recites.) 

Val. — (at conclusion of encore) Very good, Miss 
Green. I have heard some professional talent that vas 
not so good as you. Would you like to go on the stage? 

Lucy — Of course. Every girl who has talent would 
like to go on the stage. 

Val. — Then I vill give you a contract. 

Lucy — Thank you, Mr. Valentine, but I cannot take 
it. 

Val. — ^Vy net? You are young and you have ability. 
You vill make good. 

Lucy — Perhaps. And if I should, what then? I 
would miss all that makes life worth living. 

Val. — ^You might win fame and money. 

Lucy — Fame and money are nothing. I should miss 
having a home of my own. I would trade the sincere 
love of a family for the idle flattery of jealous rivals. I 
would be a wanderer on the face of the earth instead of 
making a home for those I love. No, I thank you, Mr. 
Valentine. I would rather stay right here and take care 
of mother and when the right man comes along, I'll mar- 
ry him and be happy ever after. No stage life for me. 
But I thank you just the same. (Exit.) 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 15 

Val. — Veil, vat do you think of that? 
Viola — I think she's right, and a mighty smart girl 
Eph — Dog-gone. But she sure can speak her piece. 
(Enter Gotm Sing.) 

(Gona Sing is to sing a solo. Her make-up will 
depend upon the character of her song. If she in- 
troducers a classical number she may he dressed as 
a grand opera singer, picture hat, furs, etc.) 

Gona — I beg your pardon, you are Mr. Valentine? 
(to Eph.) 

Eph — Who ? Me ? I should say not. There's your 
Valentine. (Points to Val.) (Aside) An ugly one, too. 

Gona — Mr. Valentine, I am Gona Sing. 

Val. — (looking up) How do you know you are? 

Gona — How do I know I am what? 

Val. — Gona Sing. 

Gona — That's my name. 

Val. — Oh, I thought it was a threat. 

Gona — Will some one accompany me? 

Val. — Eph, accompany Gona Sing on the elevator, 

Gona — I don't sing on the elevator. I want a piano 
accompaniment. 

Viola — Give me your music. The pianist in front 
will play for you. (Viola takes music and hands it to> 
pianist.) 

Gona — (goes to front of stage and smiles at pianist) 
All I want you to do is to play the music for my song. 

Val. — (rises and leans across desk) Must you sing? 

Gona — What do you mean, **Must I sing?" 

Val. — The audience looks so happy. 

Gona — (sarcastically) Perhaps you'd rather sing 
instead. 

Viola — He is quite capable of it. 

Gona — Yes, he looks as if he were capable of any- 
thing. 



16 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Val. — Go on. If you're Gona Sing go on and sing. 
But vait a minute, Gona Sing, vat are you goin' to sing? 

(Gona announces song. Eph and Valentine 
stroll off stage. Viola listens attentively and a/p- 
plaitds at conclusion of song.) 

Viola — (after encore) Oh, I like that. We have to 
listen to so many cheap and common songs now-a-days 
that it is a real treat to hear a song like that. 

(Enter Val. and Eph.) . 
Vol. — ^Very good, Miss Sing. You shall have a con- 
tract. Come back^ tomorrow and we will arrange your 
itinery. 

(Gona bows and exits. Eph follows her to door. 
Gazes after her a moment then comes back and 
stands beside Val.) 

Eph — I asks your pardon, boss, but what— what is 
dat you gwine arrange for Miss Sing. She looks all 
right to me. 

Val. — Vat you talkin' about? 

Eph — ^You done said you was gwine arrange her — 
eye — eye — tin — er — ^mary. Sumphin' like a operation, 
I reckon. 

Viola — (laughing) Father said itinerary. He 
means her journey. Her route from place to place on a 
circuit, particularly for the purpose of preaching, lec- 
turing or giving concerts. Understand? 

Eph — (slowly) I reckon so. Say, Mr. Vinegar, I 
am learning a new song. 
• VaL— Vot is it? 

Eph — "They've moved all the chickens to the hay- 
mow now." 

Val. — Are you up in it? 

Eph — I was last night. My itinerary done took me 
that way. 

Viola — Father means do you know the song? 

Eph — I sure does. Shall I sing it? 



Vin&gar's Vomdeville Agency IT 

Val. — Don't trouble yourself. 

Evh — (crosses to Viola's desk) He won't give me 
a chance, I'm a good minstrel man. Every night I sing 
my sister's baby to sleep with a lullaby. 

Viola — Ha, ha! a lullaby. 

Evh — (hurt) I don't believe you even know what a 
lullaby am. 

Viola^—Oh, don't I? A lullaby is something that 
keeps a whole neighborhood awake while putting one kid 
to sleep. 

(At this point Eph may introduce a pretty 
Southern- lullaby loith Viola and Valentine joining 
in the chorus. If a bigger feature is wanted, lights 
may be dimmed and a chorus of girls may introduce 
the Indian hdlaby from "Zhe Captain of Plymouth,'" 
price, JfOc.) 

(Enter Jonathan Trott.) 

(This may be used as the introduction of a mu- 
sical act. If two young men who can play any mur- 
sical instruments are available, the duet may be 
used at point indicated. Any other instrument may 
be used in place of the violin.) 

Jonathan — (dressed as a trarAp) Would any of yoR 
tike to buy a fine violin? (Draws bow over strings with 
a plaintive wail.) This is a splendid instrument. It is 
a genuine Stradivari and was owned by Professor Til- 
lumwinkum, the eminent virtuoso. (Plays loudly on the 
G string.) 

Val. — No, ve don't vant to buy a fiddle. 

Eph — If it was a banjo, I might buy it. 

Jonathan — Does your sister want to buy a violin? 
(Looks at Viola.) 

Viola — I'm nobody's sister. 

Jonathan — Well, if you was somebody's sister would 
you want to buy a violin ? 

Viola — No, I'd rather have a player piano. 



18 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Jonathan — (plays a few harsh measures) Ain't it 
a sweet tone ? 

Yal. — Stop. Vat you mean by squawking around 
here? Get oudt. 

Jonathan — This violin as I told you before belonged 
to the celebrated violinist, Professor Tillumwinkum. It is 
a real Stradivari. 

Val. — I never heard of Professor Tillumwinkum. 

Jonathan — What! You never heard of Professor 
Tillumwinkum? 

Eph — No, sah! We all nevah heard of Professor 
Tillumwinkum ? 

Jonathan — And you don't want to buy his violin? 

Val. — No, I don't want to buy his old fiddle. 

Eph — We don't want to buy his old fiddle. 

Jonathan — ^Very well. (Exits playing loudly on the 
violin.) 

Eph—VW bet he stole that fiddle. 

Viola — Very likely. It is quite evident he cannot 
play it. 

Val. — Viola, put an advertisement in the paper for 
a wild man. One of our customers wants a wild man for 
a side show. 

Eph — What's the matter with me? 

Viola — Oh, you're not wild enough. 

Eph — Ever see me when I was wild? Just watch. 

(Eph rants about the stage, biting the furni- 
ture and barking like a dog. Enter Dusty Roads, \ 
Sees Eph and runs wildly for the door. Eph chases 
him off.) 

Val. — Here, here, quit dot monkey business! You 
drive away a good customer, maybe. (Eph subsides and 
Dusty peeps in at door.) 

Viola — Come in. 

Dusty — What is this? A mad house? 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 19 

Eph — Nothin' a tall only a rehearsal. 

DusUj — Oh, I see. You were acting. (Enters.) Well 
I'll say you are some actor. 

Val — What can I do for you? 

Dusty — If I could find a certain thing I'm looking 
for, I could make $500. 

Eph — (looks under desks and about stage) Golly. 
I'll. certainly help you, Mister Man. What are we lookin* 
for? 

Dusty — A violin. 

Eph — I know where there's a lot of violins. 

Dusty — (takes Eph by the hand, tiptoes about the 
stage, touching his lips with his fingers. Valentine comes 
up on other side of Dusty) Sh-sh! I'm a detective. I'm 
looking for a violin that once belonged to Professor Til- 
lumwinkum. (Eph starts to speak and Val motions him 
to silence.) It was stolen from him and he offers a re- 
ward of $500 for its return. 

Val. — My goodness. 

Eph — You don't say! 

Dusty — I would give $400 for that violin right now. 

Eph — (pulling Dusty toward him) You would? 

Dusty — Certainly I would. 

Val. — (Fulliyig Dusty taivard him) Vould you? 

Dusty — Sure. 

Val. — Veil, come back here in a few minutes and we 
maybe have the celebrated Tillumwinkum violin in our 
possession. 

Du^ty — You know^ where it is, then? 

Val. — Oh, maybe, and then again, maybe not. 

Eph — Violins am very elusive. Sometimes you 
think you got 'em and then you hain't. But we got a 
hunch we may find this one. 

Val. — You come back in a few minutes. (Pushes 
Dusty toward door.) 



20 Vinegar's Vavdeville Agency 

Dusty — Very well. I'll play fair. I'll give you ^400 
for it. A hundred is enough for me. (Exit.) 

Val. — Quick, now, quick, Eph. You go down street 
and I'll go up. (Grabs hat.) 

Eph — ^Wait a minute. I don't believe the fellow 
with the fiddle left the building. He went upstairs. 

Val — We mustn't let him get away. That detective 
was right on his track. 

(Jonathan plays violin outside.) 

Eph — There he is. Listen. 

(Jonathan passes the door, scraping the violin.) 
Val. — Here, you, come in here. 

(Enter Jonathan.) 

Jonathan — Did you call me? 

Eph — ^Yas sah, yes sah. We wants to see you. 
Jonathan — What is it? 

Val. — Did I understand you to say a few minutes 
ago that you wanted to sell that old fiddle. 

Jonathan — ^Yes, but I've changed my mind. 

Val. — Oh, come now, my good man, I've been think- 
ing the matter over. 

Eph — You mean we been thinkin' the matter over, 
boss. We're partners in this deal. 

Val. — Of course. We've been thinking the matter 
over. You look as if you need money, so I'm — ^we're — 
prepared to help you out by purchasing your violin. 

Jonathan — You are very kind, but I don't believe I 
want to part with it. (Starts toward door.) 

Eph — (grabs him) Wait a minute, man, wait a 
minute. You got another think comin'. 

Jonathan — Take your hands off me. Do you want 
me to smash this violin over your head ? (Raises violin) 

Eph — (drawing away) For de Ian' sakes, be keer- 
f ul. Don't you hurt dat violin. 

Val—VW gif you von hundred dollars for dat fiddle. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 21 

Jonathan — (Indignantly) What! Only a paltry, 
insignificant $100 for this genuine Stradivari played by 
the famous Professor Tillumwinkum? Well, I should say 
not. (Starts off again.) 

Val. — (aside to Eph) That's the one. 

Eph — (aside) It sure am. 

Val. — (calling Jonathan back) One minute. To show 
you my heart is in the right place, I'll gif you $200. 

Jonathan — (turns at door) I couldn't think of it. 

Eph — Two hundred and fifty. 

Jonathan — I couldn't do it. 

yaL— Veil $300 then. That is the limit. 

Jonathan — (comes hack from door) Sold for $300. 
You have a bargain. (Hands violin to Valentine who 
gives him roll of bills.) Thank you, sir. You have pur- 
chased a wonderful instrument. (Exit) 

Eph — Golly! We made a hundred dollars. 

Val. — Who made a hundred dollars? 

Eph — Why, we, us and company. 

Val — Where do you come in? 

Eph — Ain't I your partner? You done said it your- 
self. 

Val. — Yes, but you ain't put up no money. You can 
haf a half interest for one hundred and eighty dollars. 

Eph — I ain't got no money. 

Val. — Then you can't be my partner. Vot is the use 
of having a partner vot ain't got no money. Who efer 
heard of such a thing? 

Eph— You're a swindler. I'll go find Professor Til- 
lumwinkum and tell him you got the fiddle for $300. 

Val— (seizing Eph.) Don't you do it. Don't you 
do noddings of the sort. I'll divide with you. 

(Enter Dusty Roads) 

(Dusty walks about stage showing no interest 
in the others.) 



22 Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 

Vol. — One minute. Ain't you the detectertive man 
who vas in here a few moments ago and offered me — us 
— $400 for Professor Tillumwinkum's violin? 

Dusty — Yes, sir, I'm the man. 

Vell—y^W, I've got it. 

Eph — -You mean we've got it. 

Dusty — I congratulate you. 

Val. — We're ready to let you have it for $400. 

Dusty — I've changed my mind. 

Fa/.— Vat? You— you— don't varit it? 

Eph — You say you done changed your mind? 

DvMy — Yes. A man has the right to change his 
mind, hasn't he? 

Val. — But — but — my good man. We bought the fid- 
dle to sell to you for $400. 

Eph — You mean you bought it. I'm out of this deal. 

Dusty — That was your lookout. 

Val.—li you don't buy it, I'm stuck. Vot shall I do 
with it? 

Dusty — Play on it. 

Val. — I can't play de fiddle. 
■ Eph — No, but you played the dickens. 

Dusty — I'll get my partner and we'll show you how 
to play. 

(Enter Jonathan) 

Val. — You're a thief. 

Jonathan — Not at all. Just a good salesman. I sold 
you a violin after you told me you didn't want to buy one. 

Eph — (laughs loudly) Yes, Mr. Valentine, he is a 
good salesman, sure enough. 

Val. — I'll have you all arrested. 

Eph— Who 1 Me? 

Val. — Yes, you, too. I believe you were in the frame- 
up. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 23 

Dusty — Wait a minute, Mr. Valentine. Listen to us 
play and if you give us a contract for the big time we'll 
give you back your money. 

Val. — It's a hold-up. (Sits at desk. Viola enters 
and goes to her desk. Eph sits in chair and Dusty an^ 
Jonathan do musical specialty. If desired a ukelele, gui- 
tar or mandolin may be used instead of violin and an en- 
tire glee club may be introduced at this point. At con-, 
elusion of number Jonathan, Dusty and rest of the mu- 
sicians exit.) 

(Enter Williams and Walker.) 
(This is a take-off on the vaudeville teams. If 
well done it may be counted on to make a big hit. 
Williams is the boy and Walker the girl of the team. 
If possible have them tall and short. A tall girl and 
a short boy make the best combination. They enter 
wearing long coats and carrying suit cases.) 

Williams — Is this the Vinegar Vaudeville Agency? 

Eph — It am. 

Walker — Where is Mr. Vinegar? 

Eph — Right over yander. If you done use your eyes 
you wouldn't have to talk so much. 

Williams — Don't get cute, Chocolate Drop. Remem- 
ber Miss Walker is a lady. 

Eph — Well, you don't say. You wouldn't know it 
to look at her. 

Val. — Get oudt, Eph. I'll take the case. Vat can I 
do you for? I mean what can I do for you? 

Williams and Walker — (both talking at once) You 
see, we are vaudeville actors. Have played all the big 
time but are down in our luck just now and thought per- 
haps you might be able to 

Val. — Stop! For goodness sake, vat is it, a duet? 
Let the feller talk. 

Eph — When there's a woman around? It can't be 
did. 

Val. — Eph, you go sit down and keep still. 



2Jf Vinegar's Vavdeville Agency 

(Eph sits in chair nea/r door.) 
Vol. — Now, you (points to Williams) vat do you 
vant? 

Williams — We want an engagement. We have a new 
talking act. 

yioZo— Did you say it was new? 

Williams — Sure. I wrote it myself. 

Vol. — Let's hear it. 

(Williams and Walker take off their long coats 
atid are dressed in any suitable make-up. The most 
effective is full dress for Williams with silk hat and 
cane, very swell. Evening gown or tennis outfit 
for Walker. They should look like the popula/r talk- 
ing comedians of vaudeville. They advance to front 
of stage and bow.) 

Williams — Did you tell Stella Smith I was a fool? 
Walker — No; I thought she knew it. 
Williams — Certainly she didn't know it. 
Walker— Then I'll tell her. 
Williams — Don't trouble yourself. 
^ Walker — No trouble. It's a pleasure. 
Viola — That isn't new. They all say that. 
Walker — You seemed very attentive to that girl at 
the dance the other evening. 

Williams — It was love at first sight. 

Walker — Then why don't you marry her? ^ 

Williams — I took another look. 

Walker — After all, what is love? 

Williams — Love is a boil on a man's bank account. 

Walker — And marriage? 

Williams — Ah, marriage is the pretty little bubble 
that floats in the air. 

Walkefl- — Now tell me what is divorce? 

Williams — Divorce is the pin that punctures the 
bubble. 



Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency 25 

(Eph has fallen asleep. At this point he drops 
off the chair with a crash) 

Vol. — ^Vait, vait. You said this was a new act. 
Williams — (helps Eph up) You seem sleepy. 
Eph — Golly, man, I hain't seen my bed in many a 
day. 

Williams — How's that? 

Eph — It's a foldin' bed and I only let it down at 
night. (Eph sits down again and immediately falls 
asleep.) 

Val. — Hurry up. Let's hear the rest of your act. 

Walker — One minute. I heard the other day that 
you are married already. 

Williams — I am. My wife is a business woman. 
Walker — Tell me something about your wife. 
Williams — She's a great hunter. 
Walker — A deer hunter? 
Williams — No, 
Walker — A bear hunter? 
Williams — No. 

Walker — Ah, a lion hunter? 
Williams — No. 

Walker — Then what kind of a hunter is she? 
Williams — A bargain hunter. Tomorrow is her 
birthday and I don't know what to get her. 

Walker — Get her something for her neck. 
Williams — There's only one thing she needs for her 
neck. 

Walker— WhsiVs that? 
Williams — A cake of soap. 

(Eph falls off the chair. Viola faints and Vinr 
egar leaps up.) 

Val — That settles it. That's the oldest joke in 
vaudeville. We can't use you. 

(Curtain may he dropped at this point or a full 
chorus may come on to sing finale.) 



SUGGESTIONS 



Good songs for Rube Amateur are 'The Magic of 
Your Eyes," (baritone), price 35 cents; "Come Back 
Home," (tenor), price 25 cents. 

If the quartette is male use "When Men Wear Bon- 
nets" or "The Spring Poet," price 10 cents each. If a 
female quartette, we recommend "The Hat of Other 
Days," price 25 cents. 

Lucy Green may use any pretty poem but if you 
wish to show her real ability as an elocutionist and act- 
ress use "Annie's Ticket," a pathetic Irish reading in. 
"Pieces People Recommend," price 30 cents. 

If other talent is introduced the director must use 
his own judgment as to musical numbers, recitations, 
etc. Do not make your entertainment too long and keep 
things moving. You will note that anything can be in- 
troduced in this sketch from a child reciter to a full 
brass band. The dialog as written is only to patch your 
crazy-quilt tiDgether. You can make a merry evening's, 
entertainment out of Vinegar's Vaudeville Agency if you 
try. 



26 



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